Confessions

I went to sleep at 11 and woke up at 7 a.m. and I felt like I was in Peru again :)

I have been so distracted by thoughts of my future, present, and past, it is ridiculous.

Not necessarily bad thoughts, just thoughts that are overwhelming my present life since I have so much to do and yet I am not taking care of getting those things done to the best of my ability because I am so distracted by thoughts. No bueno.

Fall Break is on Friday and I am beyond excited. I did not get to go to Minnesota last fall break on account of me being ridiculously sick! So I am super pumped about my trip this year because I will get to spend time with Nicole and her family one last time before I graduate. Traditions.

I am having more health problems these days. And I probably should be concerned and I think internally I am freaking out, but on the outside, I put a smile on my face and ignore the signals that are telling me I should probably go to the doctor. I just hate finding out what the results are. I don't like being sick. Especially when it could be serious things. I think some of it may be health stuff from returning from being out of the country. I need to figure out what places I can go to without insurance so that I can get these things taken care of, slay these dragons once and for all. Amen.

I've always wondered why I am so calm in the midst of pain, worry, concern, fear. But I guess it is because of the peace that surpasses all understanding that the Holy Spirit gives me.

I really don't have much to say.

Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb

Some days I want so desperately to defend my honor, to justify myself, to protect my reputation. It is like a fire burning within myself. But I know it is not necessary so I withhold the urge to give in when I see specific people who think they know the truth but are living under an assumption.
Some days I want answers so desperately to why people do certain things that can hurt a person so much, tearing their heart apart and bringing so much change into their lives. But then I remember that it is not necessary for now. If a person wants to honestly share why they did what they did or what they were thinking at the time, then they can do that but I do not need to seek anyone out and try to get answers. Because I am a whole person nonetheless.
What has happened throughout my life may have helped to define my character today but it does not define who I am. I choose to let things affect me the way that I do and I can choose to learn from my past and not let my past define my existence.
I am a whole person in Christ Jesus and as much as I want answers sometimes, I am complete nonetheless. God is my strong tower, my rock of salvation. And nothing can change that.

I miss...

I miss the constant wind because for once it felt like a touch of God.
And not a blistering cold wind.
I miss the children the most.
I miss how their faces light up when they see you. And the way they say your name. And how they attempt to talk to you, even with the language barrier. I miss the twinkling in their eyes as they soak up the love and attention you give them. I miss seeing them sing worship songs in church. I miss how they laugh. I miss the basketball, ha ha. I miss the hugs and how they intertwine their fingers into yours when walking, sitting, watching movies. But most of all I miss their hearts. They each individually have their own personalities. They each have something to offer to the world. And they each deserve to know how loved, important, and valuable they are.
I miss the relationships.
I met such amazing people while in Peru. People who have encouraged me in my faith and helped me to follow the path of the Lord. I miss them.
I miss the adventure.
All of life is an adventure really. It just depends how you look at it. But I Miss the Peruvian Adventure because I feel like it is where I should be. But in God's timing, right?
I miss a lot of things about Peru.

Take Two

And yet two days for the second book.
Man am I taking in all that they have to offer.
This book gave me a reassurance.
A reminder that in my mistakes, I chose to get up, with the help of God and others and follow after the things of God. I did not choose to give in and live a life of sin. I realized I am nothing without Christ and that to live for Christ is the only way. A life of the world was not enough for me. I chose Christ.
God's strength in me was stronger than I realized. His love for me was more than I understood. He loved me so much that in the midst of my mistakes, He brought conviction enveloped with love, forgivenness, redemption, peace, healing, and friends to keep me accountable.
I am eternally grateful for all that God has done for me.
I would not be here today, where I am at right now in my life, if it were not for Him.
And although things may not be perfect, I do know that I choose God.
And He chose me a long time ago.
I am forever His daughter, His princess.
And I choose to embrace that.
He is faithful no matter the outcome. He will provide for my future, wherever He sends me. He will open and close the appropriate doors. And I am willing to go where He sends me.
And the deep longing to find a man someday I know will happen in His perfect timing, as I am learning to be dependent on God alone and no one else. He is giving me an opportunity to be lost in Him before He blesses me with someone else. And I can wait for that.
Right now and always my focus will be and should be to love and serve Him, bringing glory to His Kingdom alone.
I choose the narrow path.

Take One

I have been so restless over Peru.
I want so desperately to return but have had no idea of how that was going to happen.
I started reading Above the Line Series: Take One by Karen Kingsbury yesterday and finished it today. It's THAT good. I love reading what she writes because God speaks to my heart and soul through her. And I absolutely love that.
As much as I escape to another world when reading, her books always bring a conviction to my heart, a reminder of something I needed to hear, a truth that I had forgotten, an encouragement where doubt had taken its toll, a support when I felt I had none, etc.
In this book I felt like I was reading a script of situations in my own life this past year. I was like, how did you get into my deepest thoughts. It was like looking into a mirror and all the hidden shame was revealed, all the secrets within were exposed. And it was me and God.
It's hard to face yourself.
And on the other part of the book, it was about two Christian producers, trying to make an impact on the hollywood scene. Trying to bring change and they do not have enough funding to finish the movie. The whole time they are struggling to have faith in God to provide and are being constantly reminded of God's faithfulness.
Prayer, obedience, devotion to God, He shows up. No matter what the end result.
He is a faithful God.
That is why I know that if God is calling me to Peru directly after I graduate, He will make it happen, even if it is the last minute. And if it is not His will for me to be in Peru after I graduate for 1-2 years or something, then it will not happen. And I have to be okay with His will for my life.
But I have fully told Him that I am willing to go. I am just me, faults and all, but I am a willing servant. I want to go where His light is seen dim, His voice is heard small, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth! So He will send me wherever that may be, and I will go. He has already called me.
I fully believe in Christ and I fully trust in His will for my life after college.
No matter how scary it looks, no matter what doubts arise, I know He will provide.

Quotes

"When I thought of devoting myself entirely to God...it was I that wished to do it, and I that wished not to do it. It was I. And since I neither completely wished, nor completely refused, I fought against myself and tore myself to pieces." -St. Augustine of Hippo, circa 400 AD

"You called, shouted,
and burst my deafness.
You flashed, shone,
and scattered my blindness.
You breathed your fragrance on me.
I drew in my breath
and craved Your aroma.
I have tasted You,
now I hunger and thirst for more.
You touched me,
and I burned for Your peace."
-St. Augustine, The Confessions 298-400 AD

Everyday I am more and more concerned about my body.
And with the concern comes anger.
And I am forced to decide to think on that anger or dismiss it.
I don't like sharing my fears or concerns with people in my family because I do not want them to worry. I don't know if it is all in my head or if it is really as serious as I feel like it is on some days.
I could really use some prayer on peace and direction.