The First Cut is the Deepest

One of my best friends in the whole world recently passed away. She and I had been best friends for as long as I can remember. She was the longest friend I ever had, aside from my sisters. We oftentimes throughout life have lived in different states/countries, but we have always remained best friends and in contact, always picking up right where we left off, no matter the length of time between each conversation. We were kindred spirits, alike in so many ways. We both had a passion for writing and reading and we expressed ourselves best through journaling/letters. I wrote a poem for her when she died, I will share it at the

end.
She was a rare jewel amongst the rest of us. She was a fighter, fighting to the very end. It was as if she could never catch a break. Something was always trying to bring her down. But she loved God and she tried her best to serve Him. Often she strayed away but she always found her way back to Him, knowing that her identity was in Him and Him alone. Her life was a series of struggles, one obstacle after another. So my main comfort now is that she rests in Heaven with our Heavenly Father. She gets to praise Him and be surrounded by His peace, love, and joy.
My best friend left behind a 16 month old son. I am his godmother. I just want what is best for him. I want God’s best for him. Whoever he should be with, I know God will work it out accordingly. At least she can live on through him.
Losing my best friend has made me realize that life is short and we should be living to our fullest every day because we are not guaranteed tomorrow, even though we think it will be there. It may not. Since it happened so suddenly and I was unable to say goodbye, has also made me want to appreciate and love those I care about deeply. I want to be better, to be the best version of myself for my family, friends, and especially for God.
Life can be so difficult. It can be so hurtful. Today is a rough day. I work in a non-profit company that is kind of like a part of 3 non-profits. But I am in the office with two other girls who are part of one of the other non-profits we are associated with. They act as though they are my friends but then they leave me out of so many things, lunches, gatherings, events that are not associated with work and so it makes me wonder. Maybe we aren’t really friends. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to be a better person. Where am I lacking? Where am I at fault? What do I need to do better?
God, help me to be my best for myself and for everyone else. I need to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5. I need to rest in His peace and not take things so personally even when it hurts. “May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16
“On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.” I have to remember the daily benefits of God’s treasures, such as His strength and sure foundation.

A Cloud of Witnesses
1/22/2014

An angel amongst us
A fighter through and through
A gentle soul graciously giving
A loyal and forgiving friend,
A truly loving mother.

She battled and she fought
She endured and she conquered
She stumbled but always got up
She was broken and bruised,
Tattered and confused.

But she was also redeemed,
A beautiful princess
A daughter of the King
She never gave up
She always persevered.

She gave & she gave
Until she had no more
Now she rests in eternity
Soaked in peace
Cloaked in love.

Looking down upon us
She leaves behind a legacy
A heir to her name,
A precious son she adores
And entrusts to us with love.

She will never be forgotten
She will always be remembered
She is in our hearts and memories
And lives on in her son.

An angel amongst us,
Until we meet again.

A cry of desperation

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
And yet I feel that is exactly what I do...nothing.
Being back from Peru I have had to face my faults and my shortcomings and it has not be easy. Living for the flesh is not wise. And being selfish takes a toll on a person's soul. God so desires a relationship with His people and all I do is run from that. Not because I do not want a relationship with Him but because of my own insecurities and shames that I feel as though I cannot cry out to Him. All lies from the enemy because in my heart I know that God has forgiven, He has redeemed me, and He has forgotten my past. Even as a new day comes and I make a mistake and ask His forgiveness, the slate is wiped clean.
So I need not worry of my imperfections, and yet they are engraved upon my soul and suffocating me.
I walk a free daughter in Christ and yet I brand myself.
I am my own weakness, my very own critic.
And it rolls over into every aspect of my life.
I long to serve and yet I take.
I long to love and yet I despise.
I long to care and yet I wallow in my pains.
I don't do what I want to do and I do what I don't want to do.
My God, my God please forgive me. I know I am unworthy but by the blood of Jesus I am set free, I am forgiven, I am redeemed.
By His grace, I am made new.
It is I that must make the decisions to walk in that newness, to live that life, to serve with a heart of gladness.
God help me. I know You have given me the strength I need to do the things You ask of me, so Lord, please help me.

The Last Sin Eater by Francine Rivers

It is so sad how so often we live in deception. We stand in the way of the Father, living for satan instead.
It is so beautiful, the sweet aroma of Christ and His redemptive power and touch. He is a forgiving Father.
He opens the eyes of those who are blinded and sets the captives free.
It does not matter our past, if we are willing to confess our sins, we are forgive, free to walk a new life.
He cleanses us and makes us white as snow, with the choice to serve Him in all things.
Jesus came to die for our sins, not to condemn us.
He came to take the sins of the world on His back so that we could spend eternity in heaven.
He came to bring peace, love, healing, forgiveness, and change.
He set the world on fire.
No person can take our burdens and set us free.
Only Jesus can do that.
All are deserving of hell for the sins we have committed but through what Jesus did for us, we have the chance to be set free, forgiven, and to live in heaven with God.
What an amazing thing Jesus did for me. For you.
I believe in the Son of God and I choose to live for Him.

Relationships

I was talking to a guy friend of mine and I just got so much enlightenment.
It was beautiful.
People really can change.
No matter what a persons past is, they can let it go. Yes, it may be more difficult to change and there is always the possibility of returning to past ways but love is all about risk.
It was such a refreshing conversation about life, love, and relationships.
Gave me so much to think about.

Introduction

Introduction:
"God put something deep down inside of us that evokes a desire to be more like Him."

"Don't be satisfied with less. You can be better."

"God always wants to increase us, to do more in and through us."

"We can't let wrong mind-sets, a negative past, or other people's opinions discourage us or cause us to give up and quit pressing forward. People who want to live at their full potential have discovered that the good can often be the enemy of the best."

"First, you understand that God wants you to become all that He created you to be. Second, it is imperative that you realize that God will do His part, but you must do your part as well."

1. Keep pressing forward.
2. Be positive toward yourself.
3. Develop better relationships.
4. Form better habits.
5. Embrace the place where you are.
6. Develop your inner life.
7. Stay passionate about life.

"God wants to bring you through, to bring you out even better, and to restore everything you have lost, plus give you more!"

This book is encouraging, uplifting, and exciting to read. I will post my highlights and thoughts at the bottom to keep myself remembering what I learned and hoping you can get something from it too!

Contemplative

I feel like I stopped believing in myself somewhere along the way and as a result, I have held back from all the desires God has placed in my heart. Even in Peru I felt like I was holding back from all that God had for me. And that is sad to admit, but it is true. I feel like because of the rejection and pain I have encountered throughout my life and especially within the past two years has been a crutch for me to not be the best I can be.
I started reading Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day by Joel Osteen and I am only on like page 20 and I am getting SO much from it. Truths that I already have known or heard throughout my life but mean so much more to me right now where I am at in life. I am soaking it all up and it is great. I love it.
I do not want to live in fear and I do not want to live as though I do not deserve to live the life God has for me. He put desires in my heart that He wants me to carry out and I do not want to die knowing that I did not give my all and allow God to fulfill His dreams and desires in and through me!
I want to press forward, despite my failures, because God loves me despite my mistakes. In my weakness He is strongest!

Life

So no school this semester which means I have to devote myself to working. I am actually excited about that, if I could just find a job. I am going to have some very high bills for school so I need some jobs ASAP!
Yes, plural.
I have a babysitting job on Monday's from 8:30-4:30 and I might get this job I interviewed at on the weekends, Saturday 8-5 and Sunday 12-5. But now I need a job from Tuesday-Friday.
I was unpacking boxes today that were in the attic that I packed before I went to Peru and in my head I was thinking, soon I will be packing these boxes again and moving on to the next phase of my life.
I am ready for that phase.
I mean I think God has some things for me to learn before I can start it, but I am excited about it.
I need to learn about finances and living on a budget and taking care of myself so that I know I can survive on my own.
I have nothing exciting to say currently, just needed to feel my fingers hitting the keys, releasing thoughts inside my head.