The Fault in Our Stars

What an incredible love story! Man, I cried like a baby at the pre-funeral and at the end! To have such deep, passionate, infinite love for another person! I love how her father says, "now you know how your mother and I love you!" And it's true, even more so with Christ. Try to fathom all the love in the world that you have for your spouse or your children or family & friends. The love God has for us is 100 times more powerful. It's THE epic love story. Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life in a fallen world and died a cruel death that only us as sinners deserve but He took our place when He did not have to but He loved us and so He died for us so that we could have life and have it abundantly. Now that takes form in different ways. These two people (spoiler alert) are dying of cancer and yet they choose to see the beauty in the world & in each other and to love each other to their last dying day! They chose happiness when they could have lived in depression and sadness. People who are in great despair who choose to see the brighter side are so inspirational. It's so easy to give into that grievance and feed off of it rather than choose to make the best of the circumstances you have. These two love birds didn't even really believe in God. Now imagine as believers in Christ how much we have to live for, how much we have to die for? We have hope in Christ that we will live eternally even after we die physically. So I choose today to live life to the fullest, to persevere in the dark moments of life and always choose Christ when I struggle the most with those inner demons. God is bigger than the biggest thing I fight with and He cares about the littlest thing I struggle with! He is with His children every step of the way, no matter what we are going through! So be happy, enjoy your loved ones, make memories and live like you were dying!

Sunday Fun Day!

Today has been a wonderful day. My husband had off this weekend, which normally is not the case so all weekend has been family time and it has really been a blessing, a very much needed one. So we went to church this morning and my best friend made it so I got a great big gigantic hug from her, which always helps. The message was a great reminder and the fellowship with other believers was refreshing! I realized that I haven't really mourned the loss of this child and felt really at peace at church, as if God was reminding me it's okay to cry and mourn this child. I have cried a little bit not really! At the right time, I know I will cry buckets full but I'm just not ready and I could tell God was just reassuring me that its okay, when I am ready, to cry.

We had a good time with friends & family and enjoyed a relaxing day! God is good and He is with us always. We have a little over a week before we have our family vacation and it will be so good to get out of the normal everyday and enjoy ourselves!
Also when we return I feel as though the opportunities are endless in which direction God will lead us! I told my husband today that I would go wherever God leads us so we are trusting Him to lead us where we should go!

My husband is looking for a more stable, better paying job. He is looking for a job that can provide benefits for his family and a job he can not only enjoy but be challenged and given the oppportunity to grow in! I know God will provide exactly what He wants for us in this season of life so we are just taking it day by day!

Mom's Night Out

Such a great movie..
A great reminder that we are not perfect but God loves us anyway. We are always trying to prove ourselves to everyone, especially ourselves. We forget that we are good enough for God so we need to accept that we are good enough for ourselves.

I am working on believing that. I have let so much of the negative things in my life blur the truth that I so desire for every person to believe.

I am His masterpiece.
I am His beloved.
I am His chosen one.
I am His daughter.
I am His princess.
I am His redeemed child, made in His image, created long ago, with a purpose, for a purpose.

I must only believe and walk out this truth. Some days I do but a lot of days I don't.
So many days I doubt myself and the gifts He has given me.
But He created me to be the mother I am so He has equipped me.
He gave me the gift of writing, so I do have a story to tell.
He gave me this love for the hurting and broken in the world and although I am uncertain how it is to manifest, He has me on this journey called life and each day He has the opportunity to use me, teach me, take me one step closer, to fulfilling my purpose this side of heaven.

Don't forget. You are enough.

A Life Lost

Being a mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life, a true blessing and honor. I love my son with all my heart and I cannot believe God would trust this precious soul in my hands. Sometimes I am just in awe of it all. I try so hard to not be jaded by the world, to let my past blur who I am today. I was a fool at times and I walked through doors that should never have been opened but thank God that I am a redeemed daughter of Christ and that all those sins I committed have been wiped away. I want the best life for my children. I want them to always know the love of their parents and the love of God. I want them to never doubt who they are in Christ but to stand firm as a believer and walk faithfully with Christ wherever their path should lead them!

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again! We've been so blessed with our son, why would we not want to try again? My husband would be happy with a whole soccer team of kids, I told him he would be lucky if he had 6! So then he said 4 boys and 2 girls, in that order! So we joke and say this is true. But really we do not know! God is the one who creates a baby and forms him together in the mothers womb. He is the one who orchestrated the steps of a child's life and loves each person unconditionally.

We have no say so in the matter! I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I decided not to to tell anyone! I believe a baby is a baby at conception. So that is not why I decided to wait. When does a baby become a baby on the eyes of those who say a baby is only a fetus until such a point!? So you unbeliever in babies, you were a fetus in the beginning, not a human being!? So your child, the one you now hold in your hands, was just a fetus, not a baby until when in your eyes? A baby is a baby at conception. We are humans when we are created in the womb. So anyway, at 8 weeks my baby miscarried. And although I am devastated, I do not show emotion. I am heartbroken and yet I do not cry. I feel bad, as though I should mourn. I have never had a miscarriage before. The pain and fear you have as you sit and wait for your baby to pass is heart wrenching! To keep a strong face for others affected is what I have always tried to do but it just seems wrong! Our baby deserves more. And although we do not know the sex of our baby, I look forward to the day in heaven where I can meet him or her face to face. I will never understand why it has to happen this way but I do believe that this baby would have had many struggles here on earth and now he/she gets to be in the presence of God for all eternity, away from the pains of this world! I like to think that now we have a personal angel looking out for us and I also like to think that my best friend Tasha is keeping an eye out for him/her since she is unable to be here for her son.

God never promised us an easy life. He never said it would always go our way and that things would be perfect. He never said that we would be without pain, just that He would be with us through it all, no matter what it is. I am sad that my baby will not be in my arms in less than nine months and that I will never know what he/she looks like this side of heaven but I am so thankful to God that I have what so many people do not have and that is hope, hope in Christ.

Oh God, be with our baby and take care of all his/her needs as I know you will because You always take care of us even when we are so undeserving! Thank You for Your grace and please help us through this season in our lives.

Baby Miscarried: 11/19/2014
Baby Due Date: 5/30/2015