Beauty

12/31/14

A beauty within

She desperately seeks.

A beauty within

Plagues her thoughts

She desires to be

All she can be

And yet she falls short

More often than not.

An unfading beauty

What does that mean?

An unfading beauty

So gentle and serene

A spirit of quietness

A holy disposition.

An unfading beauty

She hardly sees.

Precious to God

Who, you ask?

Precious to God

You, I might add.

A woman is beautiful;

She carries this beauty,

Unfading beauty

For all to see.

She is gentle.

She is quiet

She is precious to God.

Sentimentality

As my son is approaching 2 years this weekend, I am saddened that my best friend is not here to share it with us. Yes, I have other best friends but one friend does not, nor can it replace the other. My best friend died almost a year ago shortly after her birthday. Very unexpectedly.
It broke my heart to see her leave behind a young son and also to not be able to say goodbye.
It still breaks my heart today that her son is growing up without her and that he may not be in the most stable of environments. I being the godmother feel a sense of duty and as a best friend, to protect him but I am unable to do so since he lives so far away.
But God knows. And I cannot believe that He would let her pass without fully knowing that her son would be left without a mother. He is with him, protecting him, I know this. But it still does not make it easy.

I just wish I could pick up the phone and call her and talk with her about all the details and then share pictures with her. Although we lived miles and miles apart, we were kindred spirits. She struggled though greatly and I know she is at peace now with Christ. But it still brings me to tears that she is not here and I still get all sentimental thinking about plans we had for our futures, for our sons to meet, to go to Disney, and to forever be in each others lives.

I still have hopes that our sons will one day meet. God knows the plans He has for us. And even if it is not this side of heaven, I trust in Him and in His goodness.

Losing a baby

To the woman who lost her baby in the womb.
I know how you feel. I know your pain. I know your sadness.
I know how it feels to not understand, to ask why?
 I know how it is to wonder what he/she would have looked like.
When would they have been born? How much would they weigh?
Would they favor me or their father?
Why did something go wrong?
Was it my fault? Could I have done anything differently?
I have battled those questions as well. And I have gotten no good answers.
So I know your struggle.
It's an internal battle, one in which many know of and many do not understand.
So many people say all the wrong things and some know exactly what to say.

I am not saying I have all the answers or know exactly what to say.
But I do know. I do understand. And I do still seek answers & wonder.

I know the One who has the answers, although we may not get them right now.
I know that He brings peace that surpasses all understanding.
I know that He will be like a Father, letting us cry on His shoulder.
I know that He understands loss and pain. He knows sadness.
And He is with our precious little ones in heaven.

I hope you believe in Him so that you can hold onto that peace.
That knowledge that your baby is safely in His arms, full of happiness & joy.
It would be hard to lose a baby and not believe in Him. I cannot fathom that.
So my prayer is that you will come to know Him personally. To find that healing.
To know of that love, joy & peace.
Because even in my sadness & grief, I have the hope of Christ.
He gives me His peace that surpasses all understanding & I know my baby is in His arms.
One day I will meet him/her and embrace them as I so long to do now but cannot.
For whatever reason that may be.

Injustice

There are many travesties in this world. So many injustices. An abandoned child. A murdered loved one. An abused person/child. An assaulted young lady. Sex trafficking. A person fired because they were disliked for a personal reason. Racism. Homeless children. People who are starving. An innocent person behind bars. A woman sexualized.

The definition of injustice: “unfair treatment: a situation in which the rights of a person or a group of people are ignored”

So many injustices. We cannot even begin to name them all. And we all jump on different bandwagons and advocate or protest or try and protect those people who are having those injustices done to them. And it is so important because it shows that there are people out there who care, love, and want that unity and peace that I think everyone really wants in the grand scheme of things.

Why then do the people who step in to protect choose to respond in anger, hatred, etc.? We should be responding in love.

We have all been hurt in our lives, some more than others. And we will never understand what other people have gone through or endured in their lifetime. What one person has gone through most likely has nothing to do with what you have gone through. Why then do we feel like we have been wronged the worst? We have been hurt the most, more than anyone else? Your pains & anguish are awful and so are the other persons!

The kid who was abused may not understand why you are starving or why the other person was looked down upon or physically harmed because of their race.

All injustices are wrong. There is evil in this world.

And it saddens my heart that any person of any race, religion, gender, has been hurt because of the evil in this world that we as humans create out of bitterness and anger and because we have not forgiven the people who have hurt us. Holding onto that in our hearts hurts us more than the person who did the injustice.

I apologize on behalf of those who have wronged you. I am sorry for your pain. I hope & pray that you can forgive that person and find that healing in Jesus Christ. I didn’t say it was easy but all things are possible with Christ.

Jesus is the ultimate example for everyone but especially for those who call themselves believers of Christ. He endured the worst of the worst and He did nothing wrong. He was wronged in every possible way and He was innocent. He was looked down upon because of who He was and He forgave. He loved. He cried out to God and He endured it all for the cross so that we as humans could be saved and forgiven. So that we could be the light in the dark. So that we could spread that love & peace of Christ.

We are to be the example that Jesus was and is to the world. We are His hands and His feet. We are to forgive and to not judge and act out in anger & bitterness. We are to respond in love, no matter what injustice has been done to us. We are to be love, no matter what injustice has been done to us. We are to be Jesus to the brokenhearted, no matter who did the injustice. We are to be the body of Christ.

Sometimes we may not get the answers we seek or want this side of heaven but God promised justice. I don't pretend to understand it all or to have all the answers. I just ask those who believe in Christ to stand up and be that example to the world.

"12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." -Colossians 3:12-15 NLT

Christmas struggles..

I am struggling with Christmas this year.  I have some friends who have recently changed their lifestyle. They have dug deeper into the word and researched and decided they do not believe in celebrating holidays that have started out pagan. And I may have this all wrong because I have not done sufficient research for myself. And they would put it more eloquently on what they believe & why and maybe I am interpreting things differently. I respect them greatly and I am glad they are seeking scriptures and doing research and figuring it out for themselves.
I just have this battle within now. Am I doing something I should not? That goes against God?

I love Christmas. Well, I love Jesus and celebrating His birth (even if its not His exact birthday). I love the joy & giving of Christmas. People are happier and kind and I just have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that?

So maybe I should just do things a little differently? Tweak it in a way that I feel comfortable with. Like no tree because that apparently is one of the more pagan things about it. Maybe I could just have a Happy Birthday Jesus cake and celebrate Jesus with my family and give gifts. Because I don't think that Jesus is opposed to us giving to our loved ones?
I have a hard time seeing what is wrong with celebrating Jesus, the Son of God. These scriptures put it perfectly and should be exactly what Christmas is about. Or take out the word Christmas and it should be exactly what Jesus' birthday is about.

"Mary did you know that your baby boy will some day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

Oh Mary did you know

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I AM."

Isaiah 9:6-7

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

I am not saying my friends are wrong. And I am not saying that I am right. All I am saying is that I am struggling with Christmas and/or what is right about celebrating holidays or doing things that began as pagan, even if that is not how I view it. I want to do what is right by God and not what is right by the world but I need peace about that and right now I do not have it either way.

It is a tradition that we have made in our families, one which would be hard to break but I want to raise my son right, to follow after the heart of Jesus and to live for Him in all things, so I need to figure this out and have the peace of Christ about it. Prayers would be appreciated. Your opinions are welcome as well but in the end I will take it to the thrown of Christ for peace & clarification.

Light in the Darkness

Tragedy really shows a persons character (thankfully we can change our character as we learn & grow and become a better version of ourselves). It can really bring out the absolute worst in a person. It's sad to see it unfold. But it also breaks my heart to see people in such pain, with absolutely no hope or peace. What a sad way to live life, without forgiveness and hope.
In life, there will always be tragedy. How you respond to that tragedy is what really matters. Unfortunately we do not always see justice served this side of heaven. God said He would have justice for all and He is good on His word. So even if we do not see results now; truth and justice win out in the end. Honestly, I do not know the truth in this current situation and honestly no one does unless they physically were present during the altercation. I do know a son died, a grandson, a cousin, uncle maybe? A life was lost and that is sad no matter what! And everyone wants the truth and justice when someone dies. That is completely understood and justified.
Protesting for a cause is fine and good especially since we are all about freedom of speech in this country. But causing physical harm to someone, something, or yourself is not the answer.


Love is what we are lacking. True, genuine, unconditional love is what we need. Love is the evidence, the fruit of all good. Love is the outcome when you give rather than take. Love is the outcome when you are selfless rather than selfish. Love is the outcome when you protect rather than harm. Love is the outcome when you serve rather than slave. We need more love in our lives. More love in this country. Love brings peace. Love brings healing. Love brings forgiveness. True, real love that is unconditional, comes from God. Jesus is love. He was & is the example. We need that love.
And lets not forget that just because one person responds badly, lies, cheats, murders, does NOT by any stretch of the imagination mean that all people who look or talk or walk like that person are the same. Just as we do not want to be judged or put into a box, we should also remember not to do that to others. We should treat others as we want to be treated.
Jesus we ask that You be with our nation in its crisis. We ask that You are evident in the midst of all the pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, confusion and chaos. We ask that people would have enough love for themselves and others to be wise rather than react in anger or speak in anger. We ask that those who chose justice as their jobs would live out what they pledged and be men & women of honor. Sometimes it is hard to take the high road but we ask that You would bring truth & justice, peace that surpasses all understanding and unity. What the enemy intends for evil, please turn it around for good. Bring joy in the midst of the darkness and let Your light shine through and make a difference in the lives affected by all of this tragedy. We thank You Jesus that You are here in the midst of all this even though we are undeserving. We ask for Your grace & mercy and forgiveness through all of our failures & shortcomings. We are not perfect but You are. So please provide a way where there seems to be no way. Help us to learn & grow from these awful situations so that we can be better people for ourselves, for others and for our nation. We thank You now for all that You have done & will continue to do. We thank You that You see the bigger picture even when we do not. We trust in Your unfailing love. Amen.

Superstitions

where do they come from? why do people believe them? they are stories passed down from generation to generation? or is it merely a cultural thing? how do you break those bondages? as a missionary at heart, knowing that respecting your elders is a big thing, how do you know when or if it is okay to speak up or out? i have always struggled with this in all areas of life, not just here in peru. i have always been the peacemaker or voice of reason and i had to learn to be confrontational and to defend myself and/or my beliefs.  i know so many who will speak so freely, without a care in the world of who they could possibly offend. but i am always thinking of how my words can be interpreted and who i might offend and so oftentimes i say nothing. but i know sometimes i should speak and i do more now than ever before but i still struggle with it. so back to these superstitions. we give power to them by speaking them and believing in them because words are powerful but that does not make them right or true. And they only have the power that we give them. how do we take things that have been engraved in us and just stop believing them when someone just comes in and says they are not true without anything to back it up!?! How can I respectfully disagree without offending? I usually just let it be but when it comes to Britan I find myself wanting to defend my parenting. I love my son and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. But thats the same thing other parents would also say and yet may be doing things that are not right and true. And I am not better than anyone else so its just a sticky situation all around. I guess what I am saying is that if we are believers in Christ, we put His ways and His truths ahead of what we were raised to believe and ahead of what our culture says. We are to believe His Word entirely and seek His Kingdom! I feel as though I will never be in that place personally where I can step into leadership and make a difference, influence lives. But who am I to say that? It is not me who makes a difference or influences but Christ in me so then I guess that means I can step into that role if He would like me to because He is the one who changes lives, not me. I just have to be willing and He will use me. He uses everyday normal people like you and me so that when something does happen, and it will if He's in control, so all the glory goes to Him! Anyway, I guess that means I cannot hold back. I cannot wait for the right moment. The moment is now and He wants it all. I am here Lord, use me.

Life is So Short...

To be living in the past, or living a lie, or to live on pause, or not living at all. We have but this life to live and love our Savior and to love others and show them His perfect love. How can we sit here and think we are better than others, more deserving, or be judgmental or hate. God said love the sinner, hate the sin. So that does not mean we get the option to judge or hate the person who lives in sin. We are supposed to live the example in love and let God do the rest. He is the only one who can judge because none of us are perfect. Even as we love and live for God we fall short and sin. But we do have the choice to live in sin and we need to know the difference.

True repentance means turning away from the things of the world. We are to live in the world but not of it.

I am so blessed to be here and to be reminded of all the little things that really matter, like family and friends and spending time with them, loving on them and reminding them who they are in Christ. I am so not perfect and I can be a hypocrite at times because I struggle in the faith often but I love God and I so desperately want to live my all for Him and I so desperately want others to know His love. His love is so perfect and beautiful and compassionate and forgiving. He takes away the pain, wipes away the tears and gives us peace and  comfort and hope. It definitely does not mean that life all of a sudden becomes easier or that we will not have problems because we will. Its the way of the world and we live in it so there will be times of great difficulty. But we have the one who can bring us hope and strength to endure those times. And if we do end up dying, we have hope in Him that we have died but we are alive with Him in heaven, free of all pain and difficulty.

Anyway, not trying to preach to anyone, but myself maybe. It is just my way of expressing my thoughts and you can agree or disagree, that is fine. I just have to be honest with myself and anyone who may be reading.

Today we will have time with family and maybe some friends. We are going to just take these last days in, every moment and hopefully get more pictures in. We do not have any set plans except tomorrow to go to the pools. Otherwise, we are just hanging out with family as much as possible. I hope you have time this weekend to be with your loved ones and share with them your love, the love of the Father and to bask in His precious love.

With all our love,

Rita, Brian & Britan

Oh Peru...

Sometimes it is so surreal that we are back in Peru. Other times it is as though we never left. If we had the house we are currently living in, plus some alterations based on personal interest, I think we could live here. If we had jobs that could provide our needs and were safe. In other words, that won't be happening anytime soon. But we are open to God bringing us outside of Oklahoma or the USA if He thinks we should go. Being here reminds you to be thankful for what you do have. And also proves that one can survive without all the materials of the world. There are so many without water, without clean water or four walls around their house. There are so many without bathroom or kitchens or proper bedding. We must be thankful for what we have because there are so many without. And they could be your neighbors just next door! Remember that when you go to buy unnecessary items. That could be well-spent money that could bless orphans or families who are without! We have mostly spent our time with Brian's family so they can have time with Britan! And he is loving it, soaking up all the attention and playtime! Britan also went to the beach for the first time! He only got his feet wet, mostly playing with sand! we are also getting in some  pool time and enjoying this hot weather before having to return to winter weather :(   days have passed so slowly and it has been so lovely but our departure is rapidly approaching and we are sad to say goodbye. We leave Monday night for Lima and dp we leave Lima Wednesday around 12:30 am. So we will be back before you know it! Thank you for the  prayers, they are felt! Britan seems to be doing so much better, thank God and  YOU!

Pacasmayo Here we are!

We took the bus to Lima. It was a long 12 hours from Lima. The buses have upgraded since I was here. They have internet, chargers for computers & phones and each person has their own tablet in front of them. And the seats are like lazy boy chairs. They also feed you dinner. I of course forgot to take my medicine before we began our travels so I was sick for the first 2-3 hours. Brian had to take care of Britan because I could not move. It was awful. Blah. Britan did well other than not wanting to be in a car seat for 12 hours. He has really adjusted well and nothing seems to faze him. He is loving his time outside, getting all dirty in the dirt and spending time with his aunts, uncle, cousins, and grandma.
We have been blessed to stay at the orphanage so I have been able to see some of the kids, most of the kids I knew are gone and it is all new faces. I did not realize so many kids were being adopted to the USA to the same area as the others in Missouri. How awesome is God!! We have been blessed to also spend time with Maggie & Jake and their kids! It has been nice to visit! We mostly have been just hanging out with family in our little home for our time here.
Everyone loves Britan. I do get a few comments about his feet and putting shoes on backwards but he is fine. Britan is not wanting to eat a lot, just go go go! So much new things to see and do, he doesnt know what to do with himself.
Tomorrow we may go to San Pedro to the little mini water park after lunch, depending on how much it costs. Lima is so expensive, thankfully its not as bad here. But we do want to help Brians family out if we can with a kitchen, new connections for electricity and maybe a table. We will see what we have towards the end of the trip to be able to do that for them. It is hard. Brian has been saving up for this for the past two years just so we can have this time with them and so he could bless his family while we are here but we have to be careful with how we spend it. So please pray for wisdom.
Anyway, the time goes much slower here which is nice because we want to enjoy every moment we have while we are here, taking in everything.
I think from all the travels, my lower back gave me a hard time today. All of a sudden I had massive pain and Brians sister was able to massage  it and I rested and felt much better. I was thinking of Heather and her appendix and was like OH MY GOSH please NO! Thank God for our health and thank you for your continued prayers for our health while we are here.
Britan has scared us 2 times since being here. In Lima at the hotel he fell face down the stairs. He was on the 4th stair down and i could not get to him fast enough and he had a good cry and I kept an eye on him but thank God he is okay. But then when we got here to Pacasmayo we were at a restaurant and sitting down and Britan got up and started running around and i thought the door was closed but it was open and he slipped out and both Brian and I got up and ran screaming because the roads are so busy. It was a terrifying moment as a parent that I do not want to think about. My goodness.
Otherwise Britan just wants to get all dirty with this dirt and sand because he is not used to being outside in the dirt. Haha! We do not have a yard at our house in the USA.
Anyway, we are having a wonderful time. We have monopoly and cards and we are just hanging out. I hope you are all blessed and well. My thoughts are with you. We love you all.
-Rita, Brian & Britan
P.S. I apologize for errors. This is a spanish key board & I do not know how to change some things.

Peru here we are!

We left for Peru on Tuesday morning. The flight from Tulsa to Dallas ended up getting delayed. We flew to Dallas but could not land so we returned to Tulsa and sat in the airplane. We did not get to Dallas until 11:45 am instead of the ETA of 9:25 am. So that put us behind for all our flights. Thankfully our Dallas flight was delayed since the weather was bad but then we did not leave until 1 and so then we were going to miss our flight from Miami to Peru. But there was an airline worker standing at the gate with a sign for LIMA and he took us by the Little car to our gate and we rushed on. I felt like we were on Home Alone, rushing to make our flights and leaving Kevin behind. But instead of Britan being left behind (thankfully), our bags did not make it onto our flight. So when we arrived to Lima at 10:30 pm we did not actually leave the airport until midnight because of having to fill out paper work. Thankfully the pastor was waiting for us still and he took us to our hotel, which is a great place to stay if you ever come to Peru and need to stay in Lima. Friends House. It is in a  really safe área of town and it is a really good Price. It is where the peace corp workers stay when they come to Lima.
Side note: This keyboard is in spanish and so it changes words I write, so excuse all the weird and random errors.
Anyway, since we had to wait to receive our bags, we could not purchase our bus tickets so we had to stay two nights. We did receive our luggage on Wednesday morning but the airport people were so kind as to go through our bags and take a few things for themselves for all the trouble it took for them to get our bags back to us. We are short my nice camera that Brian got me for mothers day & my birthday 2 years ago. We are also short Brians Surface Tablet, which he was going to leave with his family so we could stay in better contact. And Brians favorite pair of shoes. It is unfortunate & disappointing but things happen and we are safely here. That is what is most important. God is so good and got us here safely and we trust He will continue to keep us safe in His arms as we journey on! I put too much trust in the system, forgetting how things can be here sometimes but thankfully we serve a big God.
We got to explore Lima, eat some yummy foods. I got to go and see Gap here in Peru. It looks good and nice, it seems over priced but not sure if that is just me or what. They do have security guards in suits by the doors which i thought was too funny but I am sure needed.
Britan is doing really well through it all. He did wonderful on the flights, only crying 2 times when he was really tired. He is getting a Little stir crazy in the hotel since the room is so small but he is doing great. We leave tonight at 6:30 pm for our final destination. We are super excited and cannot wait to see Brians family and to enjoy the rest of our trip. Thanks for the continued prayers. They are much appreciated! Until next time, have a blessed day & week!
-Rita, Brian & Britan

The Fault in Our Stars

What an incredible love story! Man, I cried like a baby at the pre-funeral and at the end! To have such deep, passionate, infinite love for another person! I love how her father says, "now you know how your mother and I love you!" And it's true, even more so with Christ. Try to fathom all the love in the world that you have for your spouse or your children or family & friends. The love God has for us is 100 times more powerful. It's THE epic love story. Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life in a fallen world and died a cruel death that only us as sinners deserve but He took our place when He did not have to but He loved us and so He died for us so that we could have life and have it abundantly. Now that takes form in different ways. These two people (spoiler alert) are dying of cancer and yet they choose to see the beauty in the world & in each other and to love each other to their last dying day! They chose happiness when they could have lived in depression and sadness. People who are in great despair who choose to see the brighter side are so inspirational. It's so easy to give into that grievance and feed off of it rather than choose to make the best of the circumstances you have. These two love birds didn't even really believe in God. Now imagine as believers in Christ how much we have to live for, how much we have to die for? We have hope in Christ that we will live eternally even after we die physically. So I choose today to live life to the fullest, to persevere in the dark moments of life and always choose Christ when I struggle the most with those inner demons. God is bigger than the biggest thing I fight with and He cares about the littlest thing I struggle with! He is with His children every step of the way, no matter what we are going through! So be happy, enjoy your loved ones, make memories and live like you were dying!

Sunday Fun Day!

Today has been a wonderful day. My husband had off this weekend, which normally is not the case so all weekend has been family time and it has really been a blessing, a very much needed one. So we went to church this morning and my best friend made it so I got a great big gigantic hug from her, which always helps. The message was a great reminder and the fellowship with other believers was refreshing! I realized that I haven't really mourned the loss of this child and felt really at peace at church, as if God was reminding me it's okay to cry and mourn this child. I have cried a little bit not really! At the right time, I know I will cry buckets full but I'm just not ready and I could tell God was just reassuring me that its okay, when I am ready, to cry.

We had a good time with friends & family and enjoyed a relaxing day! God is good and He is with us always. We have a little over a week before we have our family vacation and it will be so good to get out of the normal everyday and enjoy ourselves!
Also when we return I feel as though the opportunities are endless in which direction God will lead us! I told my husband today that I would go wherever God leads us so we are trusting Him to lead us where we should go!

My husband is looking for a more stable, better paying job. He is looking for a job that can provide benefits for his family and a job he can not only enjoy but be challenged and given the oppportunity to grow in! I know God will provide exactly what He wants for us in this season of life so we are just taking it day by day!

Mom's Night Out

Such a great movie..
A great reminder that we are not perfect but God loves us anyway. We are always trying to prove ourselves to everyone, especially ourselves. We forget that we are good enough for God so we need to accept that we are good enough for ourselves.

I am working on believing that. I have let so much of the negative things in my life blur the truth that I so desire for every person to believe.

I am His masterpiece.
I am His beloved.
I am His chosen one.
I am His daughter.
I am His princess.
I am His redeemed child, made in His image, created long ago, with a purpose, for a purpose.

I must only believe and walk out this truth. Some days I do but a lot of days I don't.
So many days I doubt myself and the gifts He has given me.
But He created me to be the mother I am so He has equipped me.
He gave me the gift of writing, so I do have a story to tell.
He gave me this love for the hurting and broken in the world and although I am uncertain how it is to manifest, He has me on this journey called life and each day He has the opportunity to use me, teach me, take me one step closer, to fulfilling my purpose this side of heaven.

Don't forget. You are enough.

A Life Lost

Being a mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life, a true blessing and honor. I love my son with all my heart and I cannot believe God would trust this precious soul in my hands. Sometimes I am just in awe of it all. I try so hard to not be jaded by the world, to let my past blur who I am today. I was a fool at times and I walked through doors that should never have been opened but thank God that I am a redeemed daughter of Christ and that all those sins I committed have been wiped away. I want the best life for my children. I want them to always know the love of their parents and the love of God. I want them to never doubt who they are in Christ but to stand firm as a believer and walk faithfully with Christ wherever their path should lead them!

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again! We've been so blessed with our son, why would we not want to try again? My husband would be happy with a whole soccer team of kids, I told him he would be lucky if he had 6! So then he said 4 boys and 2 girls, in that order! So we joke and say this is true. But really we do not know! God is the one who creates a baby and forms him together in the mothers womb. He is the one who orchestrated the steps of a child's life and loves each person unconditionally.

We have no say so in the matter! I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I decided not to to tell anyone! I believe a baby is a baby at conception. So that is not why I decided to wait. When does a baby become a baby on the eyes of those who say a baby is only a fetus until such a point!? So you unbeliever in babies, you were a fetus in the beginning, not a human being!? So your child, the one you now hold in your hands, was just a fetus, not a baby until when in your eyes? A baby is a baby at conception. We are humans when we are created in the womb. So anyway, at 8 weeks my baby miscarried. And although I am devastated, I do not show emotion. I am heartbroken and yet I do not cry. I feel bad, as though I should mourn. I have never had a miscarriage before. The pain and fear you have as you sit and wait for your baby to pass is heart wrenching! To keep a strong face for others affected is what I have always tried to do but it just seems wrong! Our baby deserves more. And although we do not know the sex of our baby, I look forward to the day in heaven where I can meet him or her face to face. I will never understand why it has to happen this way but I do believe that this baby would have had many struggles here on earth and now he/she gets to be in the presence of God for all eternity, away from the pains of this world! I like to think that now we have a personal angel looking out for us and I also like to think that my best friend Tasha is keeping an eye out for him/her since she is unable to be here for her son.

God never promised us an easy life. He never said it would always go our way and that things would be perfect. He never said that we would be without pain, just that He would be with us through it all, no matter what it is. I am sad that my baby will not be in my arms in less than nine months and that I will never know what he/she looks like this side of heaven but I am so thankful to God that I have what so many people do not have and that is hope, hope in Christ.

Oh God, be with our baby and take care of all his/her needs as I know you will because You always take care of us even when we are so undeserving! Thank You for Your grace and please help us through this season in our lives.

Baby Miscarried: 11/19/2014
Baby Due Date: 5/30/2015

"Faith sees a victory No doubt about it"

I recently had a mole-like thing removed from my shoulder. It randomly appeared and then it started causing me pain/discomfort. So I decided I should probably have it looked at.
In doing so, they discovered it is basal cell carcinoma. I had no idea what that was and came to find out it is a very common skin cancer. Thankfully it is a localized cancer that typically does not spread throughout the body. It can return in the same problem area and if it is not removed it can cause other problems. So now I need to have a small surgery to have the skin around it removed, to make sure all of the cancer was taken out.
Even though it is a common cancer that typically does not travel, it is still a scary thing. And the fact that it could reappear throughout my life and that I need to be looking out for it happening again is not something I look forward to. But it is necessary.
I don't want to make a big deal out of it so I haven't really told many people and I am not one to worry much so that is good.
It's all in God's hands. I gave it to Him. I said "Problem, this is my God."

He is bigger than the littlest problem and bigger than the biggest problem.
And He takes notice to it all. Nothing is too small for Him. Just like nothing is too big for Him.

I am so thankful to call Him my Father. He will see me through any storm that presents itself and He will see you through yours also if you reach out to Him. He will meet you where you are and He will give you the peace you may be looking for.
We don't always know how things will turn out and sometimes they do not turn out the way we would like them to but He never leaves us or forsakes us, no matter the outcome.

So rest in the knowledge that He is your Strong Tower and Redeemer. He is the God of peace.

Forever I will miss you!

I am struggling with writing. I used to write constantly. Now I am lucky if I pick up a pen and put it to paper or put my fingers to a keyboard and let the secrets of my soul bleed into my blog entry.

I have this insecurity of not being enough. Not being good enough to write a blog or write a novel or write a book of poetry. Why? Because I did not take any writing classes or get a degree in English. Or maybe it is because of something much deeper. I honestly do not know.

But I do know this. I know God gave me the gift of writing. Being able to express myself through writing as a child and all the years in between is what has gotten me through so many difficult times. Maybe it was only meant to be for myself, I do not know. But I so long to write a novel like Karen Kingsbury, Francine Rivers or C.S. Lewis. I so long to write a book of poetry like all the famous poets of past. I would love to write a devotional for women, so they can recognize their beauty in Christ.

Maybe I feel as though I do not have enough experience? Or enough money or support to make it happen? I really don't know why it is that I think I cannot do it.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

It is a verse I have lived by. A verse that has gotten me through some of my darkest, scariest moments. It still applies to me in the everyday dullness of life. I need to remember that.

There is a part of me that feels as though I lost my ability to write when I lost my best friend Tasha. She died this past year and we were kindred spirits. She and I swapped stories, poetry, and encouraged each other in our writings. She believed in me and I in her. And now that she is gone I guess maybe I am afraid to share my writings without her input.

But God did not give us a spirit of fear and I know that Tasha would not want me to live in fear either. I cannot continually make excuses for why I do not do what I believe God has called me to.

I must be the change I wish to see in the world. I must make the changes in myself. I must look in the mirror and be willing to recognize my flaws, strip them of myself and lay them at the cross of Jesus.

I may never be like Karen Kingsbury, Franchine Rivers or C.S. Lewis and that is okay. I am not trying to copy them. I am me and I am my own person. But they do inspire me and help me to remember that God can use me to write books also. Maybe I will only write one book. That would be okay with me. Maybe I will never successfully write a book that thousands of people read. That is okay too as long as I try. As long as I reach one person. That would be enough for me.

Christianity

I have been struggling with Christians lately.
People who call themselves followers of Christ yet don't.
The Bible can sometimes be hard to understand but it's not open to interpretation (not our own at least). It is God's love story to us, a guidebook perhaps and it gives specific instructions. I am trying to figure them out because it is hard to follow sometimes because culturally things have changed and do not apply in some ways. But I am trying to ask God His interpretation of the Scriptures because our own interpretation gets so skewed by the world.

Jesus walked the earth and loved the people no matter who they were or where they came from BUT he did not love the sin. He preached and He told the truth but He did it in love. (He said, "Go and sin no more.") That is where Christians tend to totally fail. They take it in their own hands to judge and condemn. God is the judge. ("There is no condemnation in Christ.") We are to hold our brothers and sisters in Christ to a higher standard, out of love. Not out of condemnation.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-2
1"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

4"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!"

All that being said, I am struggling with people who try and say that we are supposed to accept things out of love because being judgmental is not how we are supposed to be. I agree that we should not judge. We can love people and not accept the sin they choose to live in. In fact, is a person a Christian or a follower of God if they live in sin? There is a difference between sinning and living in sin. We are not perfect so we will sin but we have a choice to live in sin.

I will not accept the sin. But I will not judge the person. I will love them as Christ has called us to love all. I will not be okay with a sin because the world says its okay. We are supposed to be in this world but not of it. People may not like me because I do not agree with them but that's okay, it says in the Bible that it will happen. All I can do is love people and not judge but also be honest with my beliefs because everyone else is honest about theirs. I am not going to be scared to share my heart out of love.

"Oh God my God, I cry out, Your beloved needs You now."

Sometimes life can be so gut-wrenching hard! It can be so overwhelming and discouraging and frustrating! Is that enough adjectives to describe these moments of disappointment?!
Of who you might ask!?
Of myself mostly. Others also sometimes but at the end of the day I cannot change others but I can change myself! So why don't I?
Why do I stand in this complacency? Why do I revel in laziness and  dejectedness? Is that even a word?
I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes? I make all the goals and have all these dreams that I know God has given me but what so I do with them?
I sit on my couch  and think about the possibilities and make plans but then I fail to do anything with them! I don't make the changes I so wish to see!
God I so desperately wish I gave you my all in everything and I am so sorry that I so often fail! Forgive me for being less than my best.

God, you know the desires of my heart and I know them too! Please help me to live for you, love for you and sacrifice for you! I love you!

I'm back

All my life, for as long as I remember, I have been a writer. But it seems at times, I go through these “writer’s block” moments where I go long periods of times in silence. And I am not certain what influences that, why I feel the need to hide, but as I am trying to change, to be the best version of myself, I am noticing things that need to change.

I believe as a follower of Christ, that we should empower. So I am going to begin being more aware and trying to write more uplifting, encouraging things that can maybe empower someone else; to be the best version of themselves, to follow Christ, to live a life worth living, to have that self-confidence they so desperately need. Whatever it may be that they are needing empowerment for, I hope that maybe God can use my words to do that.

I was reading a passage of scripture today, and I would like to share that here:

“29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. 30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” –Ephesians 4:29-32

I think so often as humans we focus on ourselves and be selfish and desire only what we want and therefore we hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, and we don’t forgive and we let that feast on our hearts until we lash out and say harsh, cruel words that tear down another person, when in fact, especially as believers in Christ, we should be speaking words of encouragement, love, conviction.

I think people have forgotten who they are, where they have come from and the promise they have in Christ. I think if people could hold onto these truths that they would walk in love, kindness, forgiveness, and encouragement, rather than continually having to put people down in order to feel better about themselves.

These are just my thoughts, observations, and I am not trying to condemn anyone because condemnation is not of God. I am trying to expose lies that we feed off of and let the truth set us free. And I am speaking in “we’s” and “us” because I am guilty of these same lies. No one is perfect, all we can do is seek to live perfectly as Christ did. So we are constantly open to the recognition of things we may not be doing right and willing to make the necessary changes to better ourselves so that we can be used by the Lord.

So on that note, I will leave you with a picture from Air1's Brenda Price that has some quotes that you can read and let sink in:

The First Cut is the Deepest

One of my best friends in the whole world recently passed away. She and I had been best friends for as long as I can remember. She was the longest friend I ever had, aside from my sisters. We oftentimes throughout life have lived in different states/countries, but we have always remained best friends and in contact, always picking up right where we left off, no matter the length of time between each conversation. We were kindred spirits, alike in so many ways. We both had a passion for writing and reading and we expressed ourselves best through journaling/letters. I wrote a poem for her when she died, I will share it at the

end.
She was a rare jewel amongst the rest of us. She was a fighter, fighting to the very end. It was as if she could never catch a break. Something was always trying to bring her down. But she loved God and she tried her best to serve Him. Often she strayed away but she always found her way back to Him, knowing that her identity was in Him and Him alone. Her life was a series of struggles, one obstacle after another. So my main comfort now is that she rests in Heaven with our Heavenly Father. She gets to praise Him and be surrounded by His peace, love, and joy.
My best friend left behind a 16 month old son. I am his godmother. I just want what is best for him. I want God’s best for him. Whoever he should be with, I know God will work it out accordingly. At least she can live on through him.
Losing my best friend has made me realize that life is short and we should be living to our fullest every day because we are not guaranteed tomorrow, even though we think it will be there. It may not. Since it happened so suddenly and I was unable to say goodbye, has also made me want to appreciate and love those I care about deeply. I want to be better, to be the best version of myself for my family, friends, and especially for God.
Life can be so difficult. It can be so hurtful. Today is a rough day. I work in a non-profit company that is kind of like a part of 3 non-profits. But I am in the office with two other girls who are part of one of the other non-profits we are associated with. They act as though they are my friends but then they leave me out of so many things, lunches, gatherings, events that are not associated with work and so it makes me wonder. Maybe we aren’t really friends. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to be a better person. Where am I lacking? Where am I at fault? What do I need to do better?
God, help me to be my best for myself and for everyone else. I need to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5. I need to rest in His peace and not take things so personally even when it hurts. “May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16
“On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand.” I have to remember the daily benefits of God’s treasures, such as His strength and sure foundation.

A Cloud of Witnesses
1/22/2014

An angel amongst us
A fighter through and through
A gentle soul graciously giving
A loyal and forgiving friend,
A truly loving mother.

She battled and she fought
She endured and she conquered
She stumbled but always got up
She was broken and bruised,
Tattered and confused.

But she was also redeemed,
A beautiful princess
A daughter of the King
She never gave up
She always persevered.

She gave & she gave
Until she had no more
Now she rests in eternity
Soaked in peace
Cloaked in love.

Looking down upon us
She leaves behind a legacy
A heir to her name,
A precious son she adores
And entrusts to us with love.

She will never be forgotten
She will always be remembered
She is in our hearts and memories
And lives on in her son.

An angel amongst us,
Until we meet again.