The Fault in Our Stars

What an incredible love story! Man, I cried like a baby at the pre-funeral and at the end! To have such deep, passionate, infinite love for another person! I love how her father says, "now you know how your mother and I love you!" And it's true, even more so with Christ. Try to fathom all the love in the world that you have for your spouse or your children or family & friends. The love God has for us is 100 times more powerful. It's THE epic love story. Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life in a fallen world and died a cruel death that only us as sinners deserve but He took our place when He did not have to but He loved us and so He died for us so that we could have life and have it abundantly. Now that takes form in different ways. These two people (spoiler alert) are dying of cancer and yet they choose to see the beauty in the world & in each other and to love each other to their last dying day! They chose happiness when they could have lived in depression and sadness. People who are in great despair who choose to see the brighter side are so inspirational. It's so easy to give into that grievance and feed off of it rather than choose to make the best of the circumstances you have. These two love birds didn't even really believe in God. Now imagine as believers in Christ how much we have to live for, how much we have to die for? We have hope in Christ that we will live eternally even after we die physically. So I choose today to live life to the fullest, to persevere in the dark moments of life and always choose Christ when I struggle the most with those inner demons. God is bigger than the biggest thing I fight with and He cares about the littlest thing I struggle with! He is with His children every step of the way, no matter what we are going through! So be happy, enjoy your loved ones, make memories and live like you were dying!

Sunday Fun Day!

Today has been a wonderful day. My husband had off this weekend, which normally is not the case so all weekend has been family time and it has really been a blessing, a very much needed one. So we went to church this morning and my best friend made it so I got a great big gigantic hug from her, which always helps. The message was a great reminder and the fellowship with other believers was refreshing! I realized that I haven't really mourned the loss of this child and felt really at peace at church, as if God was reminding me it's okay to cry and mourn this child. I have cried a little bit not really! At the right time, I know I will cry buckets full but I'm just not ready and I could tell God was just reassuring me that its okay, when I am ready, to cry.

We had a good time with friends & family and enjoyed a relaxing day! God is good and He is with us always. We have a little over a week before we have our family vacation and it will be so good to get out of the normal everyday and enjoy ourselves!
Also when we return I feel as though the opportunities are endless in which direction God will lead us! I told my husband today that I would go wherever God leads us so we are trusting Him to lead us where we should go!

My husband is looking for a more stable, better paying job. He is looking for a job that can provide benefits for his family and a job he can not only enjoy but be challenged and given the oppportunity to grow in! I know God will provide exactly what He wants for us in this season of life so we are just taking it day by day!

Mom's Night Out

Such a great movie..
A great reminder that we are not perfect but God loves us anyway. We are always trying to prove ourselves to everyone, especially ourselves. We forget that we are good enough for God so we need to accept that we are good enough for ourselves.

I am working on believing that. I have let so much of the negative things in my life blur the truth that I so desire for every person to believe.

I am His masterpiece.
I am His beloved.
I am His chosen one.
I am His daughter.
I am His princess.
I am His redeemed child, made in His image, created long ago, with a purpose, for a purpose.

I must only believe and walk out this truth. Some days I do but a lot of days I don't.
So many days I doubt myself and the gifts He has given me.
But He created me to be the mother I am so He has equipped me.
He gave me the gift of writing, so I do have a story to tell.
He gave me this love for the hurting and broken in the world and although I am uncertain how it is to manifest, He has me on this journey called life and each day He has the opportunity to use me, teach me, take me one step closer, to fulfilling my purpose this side of heaven.

Don't forget. You are enough.

A Life Lost

Being a mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life, a true blessing and honor. I love my son with all my heart and I cannot believe God would trust this precious soul in my hands. Sometimes I am just in awe of it all. I try so hard to not be jaded by the world, to let my past blur who I am today. I was a fool at times and I walked through doors that should never have been opened but thank God that I am a redeemed daughter of Christ and that all those sins I committed have been wiped away. I want the best life for my children. I want them to always know the love of their parents and the love of God. I want them to never doubt who they are in Christ but to stand firm as a believer and walk faithfully with Christ wherever their path should lead them!

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again! We've been so blessed with our son, why would we not want to try again? My husband would be happy with a whole soccer team of kids, I told him he would be lucky if he had 6! So then he said 4 boys and 2 girls, in that order! So we joke and say this is true. But really we do not know! God is the one who creates a baby and forms him together in the mothers womb. He is the one who orchestrated the steps of a child's life and loves each person unconditionally.

We have no say so in the matter! I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I decided not to to tell anyone! I believe a baby is a baby at conception. So that is not why I decided to wait. When does a baby become a baby on the eyes of those who say a baby is only a fetus until such a point!? So you unbeliever in babies, you were a fetus in the beginning, not a human being!? So your child, the one you now hold in your hands, was just a fetus, not a baby until when in your eyes? A baby is a baby at conception. We are humans when we are created in the womb. So anyway, at 8 weeks my baby miscarried. And although I am devastated, I do not show emotion. I am heartbroken and yet I do not cry. I feel bad, as though I should mourn. I have never had a miscarriage before. The pain and fear you have as you sit and wait for your baby to pass is heart wrenching! To keep a strong face for others affected is what I have always tried to do but it just seems wrong! Our baby deserves more. And although we do not know the sex of our baby, I look forward to the day in heaven where I can meet him or her face to face. I will never understand why it has to happen this way but I do believe that this baby would have had many struggles here on earth and now he/she gets to be in the presence of God for all eternity, away from the pains of this world! I like to think that now we have a personal angel looking out for us and I also like to think that my best friend Tasha is keeping an eye out for him/her since she is unable to be here for her son.

God never promised us an easy life. He never said it would always go our way and that things would be perfect. He never said that we would be without pain, just that He would be with us through it all, no matter what it is. I am sad that my baby will not be in my arms in less than nine months and that I will never know what he/she looks like this side of heaven but I am so thankful to God that I have what so many people do not have and that is hope, hope in Christ.

Oh God, be with our baby and take care of all his/her needs as I know you will because You always take care of us even when we are so undeserving! Thank You for Your grace and please help us through this season in our lives.

Baby Miscarried: 11/19/2014
Baby Due Date: 5/30/2015

"Faith sees a victory No doubt about it"

I recently had a mole-like thing removed from my shoulder. It randomly appeared and then it started causing me pain/discomfort. So I decided I should probably have it looked at.
In doing so, they discovered it is basal cell carcinoma. I had no idea what that was and came to find out it is a very common skin cancer. Thankfully it is a localized cancer that typically does not spread throughout the body. It can return in the same problem area and if it is not removed it can cause other problems. So now I need to have a small surgery to have the skin around it removed, to make sure all of the cancer was taken out.
Even though it is a common cancer that typically does not travel, it is still a scary thing. And the fact that it could reappear throughout my life and that I need to be looking out for it happening again is not something I look forward to. But it is necessary.
I don't want to make a big deal out of it so I haven't really told many people and I am not one to worry much so that is good.
It's all in God's hands. I gave it to Him. I said "Problem, this is my God."

He is bigger than the littlest problem and bigger than the biggest problem.
And He takes notice to it all. Nothing is too small for Him. Just like nothing is too big for Him.

I am so thankful to call Him my Father. He will see me through any storm that presents itself and He will see you through yours also if you reach out to Him. He will meet you where you are and He will give you the peace you may be looking for.
We don't always know how things will turn out and sometimes they do not turn out the way we would like them to but He never leaves us or forsakes us, no matter the outcome.

So rest in the knowledge that He is your Strong Tower and Redeemer. He is the God of peace.

Forever I will miss you!

I am struggling with writing. I used to write constantly. Now I am lucky if I pick up a pen and put it to paper or put my fingers to a keyboard and let the secrets of my soul bleed into my blog entry.

I have this insecurity of not being enough. Not being good enough to write a blog or write a novel or write a book of poetry. Why? Because I did not take any writing classes or get a degree in English. Or maybe it is because of something much deeper. I honestly do not know.

But I do know this. I know God gave me the gift of writing. Being able to express myself through writing as a child and all the years in between is what has gotten me through so many difficult times. Maybe it was only meant to be for myself, I do not know. But I so long to write a novel like Karen Kingsbury, Francine Rivers or C.S. Lewis. I so long to write a book of poetry like all the famous poets of past. I would love to write a devotional for women, so they can recognize their beauty in Christ.

Maybe I feel as though I do not have enough experience? Or enough money or support to make it happen? I really don't know why it is that I think I cannot do it.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

It is a verse I have lived by. A verse that has gotten me through some of my darkest, scariest moments. It still applies to me in the everyday dullness of life. I need to remember that.

There is a part of me that feels as though I lost my ability to write when I lost my best friend Tasha. She died this past year and we were kindred spirits. She and I swapped stories, poetry, and encouraged each other in our writings. She believed in me and I in her. And now that she is gone I guess maybe I am afraid to share my writings without her input.

But God did not give us a spirit of fear and I know that Tasha would not want me to live in fear either. I cannot continually make excuses for why I do not do what I believe God has called me to.

I must be the change I wish to see in the world. I must make the changes in myself. I must look in the mirror and be willing to recognize my flaws, strip them of myself and lay them at the cross of Jesus.

I may never be like Karen Kingsbury, Franchine Rivers or C.S. Lewis and that is okay. I am not trying to copy them. I am me and I am my own person. But they do inspire me and help me to remember that God can use me to write books also. Maybe I will only write one book. That would be okay with me. Maybe I will never successfully write a book that thousands of people read. That is okay too as long as I try. As long as I reach one person. That would be enough for me.

Christianity

I have been struggling with Christians lately.
People who call themselves followers of Christ yet don't.
The Bible can sometimes be hard to understand but it's not open to interpretation (not our own at least). It is God's love story to us, a guidebook perhaps and it gives specific instructions. I am trying to figure them out because it is hard to follow sometimes because culturally things have changed and do not apply in some ways. But I am trying to ask God His interpretation of the Scriptures because our own interpretation gets so skewed by the world.

Jesus walked the earth and loved the people no matter who they were or where they came from BUT he did not love the sin. He preached and He told the truth but He did it in love. (He said, "Go and sin no more.") That is where Christians tend to totally fail. They take it in their own hands to judge and condemn. God is the judge. ("There is no condemnation in Christ.") We are to hold our brothers and sisters in Christ to a higher standard, out of love. Not out of condemnation.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-2
1"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

4"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!"

All that being said, I am struggling with people who try and say that we are supposed to accept things out of love because being judgmental is not how we are supposed to be. I agree that we should not judge. We can love people and not accept the sin they choose to live in. In fact, is a person a Christian or a follower of God if they live in sin? There is a difference between sinning and living in sin. We are not perfect so we will sin but we have a choice to live in sin.

I will not accept the sin. But I will not judge the person. I will love them as Christ has called us to love all. I will not be okay with a sin because the world says its okay. We are supposed to be in this world but not of it. People may not like me because I do not agree with them but that's okay, it says in the Bible that it will happen. All I can do is love people and not judge but also be honest with my beliefs because everyone else is honest about theirs. I am not going to be scared to share my heart out of love.